I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Houston, we have a squirter
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You may now shotgun with the bride
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
