last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Randomize
