you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
