in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
