I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
