do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'll put lettuce on them
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
why do cheetos always look like penises
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.