Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
He kissed a someone with a penis
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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