Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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