I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
