Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
