Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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