I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
