I can text with my tongue
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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