If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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