tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
We're too hungover to prance.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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