Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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