She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
When are your genitals available?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
