i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
