Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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