Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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