I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
