it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
