My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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