Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
