I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I accidentally burped into my bong.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Randomize
