Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
