I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
