I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Randomize
