the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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