dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
