i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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