not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
