Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
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