We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Randomize
