I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
