I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
