I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
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I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
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Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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