just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You're like the curious george of whores
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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