he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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