Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
