Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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