My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
