In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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