He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
