I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
