All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
