just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
