she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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