Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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