I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
