i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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