it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
