I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
