He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
third nipple confirmed
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
