my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
