I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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