He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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