You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
